JOKE OF THE DAY OR WEEK IF I DON

JOKE OF THE DAY OR WEEK IF I DON'T GET IT REPLACED

Biblical PUNishment

it doesn't hurt to have a little Biblical  humor .

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while  everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter.  She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a
little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q.. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden ?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses.  He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan . The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.

PS... Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . . "He-brews"

How do you make God laugh?
Tell him your plans.

Gandhi
Mahatma Gandhi replied when asked what he thought of Western civilization.

"I think it would be a good idea."

Bus Driver

A priest and bus driver lived together and one day they also together died.
They go to St. Peter standing before heaven gate. He allows the bus driver to go to one of the highest heavens but the priest has to wait.
He waits for long time and finally goes to St. Peter and asks: "Why could that bus driver go to the highest heaven and I, who all my life spoke about God, have to wait for such a long time?"
St. Peter said: "When you were speaking to the people at your church everybody was sleeping, but when that bus driver was driving everybody prayed!"

Meditating

Two men meet on the street.
One asks the other: "Hi, how are you?"
The other ones replies: "I'm fine, thanks."
"And how's your son? Is he still unemployed?"
"Yes, he is. But he is meditating now."
"Meditating? What's that?"
"I don't know. But it's better than sitting around and do nothing!"

A ZEN Joke

Part 1
What did the Yogi say when he walked into the Zen Pizza Parlor?
"Make me one with everything."

Part 2
When the Yogi got the pizza, he gave the proprietor a $20 bill. The proprietor pocketed the bill. The Yogi said "Don't I get change?" The proprietor said, "Change must come from within."

Jonah

There was a religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her very very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read as it helped relax her on the long fights.
One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing.
After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"
She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" ; the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him," replied the lady.

Good time

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

Lord's Prayer

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings, at
bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us from e-mail. Amen."

Virgin

A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.
Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking,
"Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

New York's Lawyer

A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

Four Tibetan Monks Four monks were meditating in a monastery. All of a sudden the prayer flag on the roof started flapping. The younger monk came out of his meditation and said: "Flag is flapping" A more experienced monk said: "Wind is flapping"
A third monk who had been there for more than 20 years said: "Mind is flapping."
The fourth monk who was the eldest said, visibly annoyed: "Mouths are flapping!"

Isolated Monastery An aspiring Monk wanted to deeper faith. He went to a isolated Monastery and head Monk told him: You can stay here but we have one important rule - all observe a vow of silence. You will be allowed to speak in 5 years. After serving for 5 long yeas, the day came when the Monk could say his one thing or ask his one question.
He said: "The bed is too hard."
He kept going for another 5 years of hard service and discipline and he got the opportunity to speak again. He said: "The food is not good."
Five more years of hard work and he got to speak again. Here are his words after 15 years of service: "I quit."
His head Monk quickly answered: "Good, all you have been doing anyway is complaining."

God's Face A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little boy who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The boy replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from his drawing, the little boy replied, "They will in a minute."

Ssssshhhhh
A Sunday School teacher asked his little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little boy replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Quiet Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?"

Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

There was a painter named Wayne who was very interested

in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned

down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but

eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration

job on one of their biggest buildings.

Wayne put in a bid, and, because his

price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up

the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am

sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the

job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a

horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the

rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all

over the church and knocking Wayne clear off the

scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones,

surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Wayne was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from

the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"